Update:
I pulled the bumper and swapped the vents on either side with new ones. The seals looked pretty old and dry, and there was a *little* bit of water behind the drivers side one, but nothing huge. After replacing them... you guessed it! More water in the spare tire well the next time it rained.
I also dumped tons of water into the rear sunroof drains to see if they were draining properly. They drained out without issue.
I've started low and tried to work my way back, but the water is ONLY in the spare tire well. There is no moisture anywhere else. I even pulled the trim around the latch and didn't find any evidence of water. The only place I can't see is under the tool kit. I'll have to yank it and see if it's wet leading up the side.
My next plan of attack is simply yank out some of the interior in the hatch and have my wife spray it down with water to see where it's coming in. There isn't really any other way to find it. If I can't find it after that, I'm ditching the Golf and going for a Taos or Tiguan (without a sunroof!). It's getting ridiculous.
Thanks for the suggestions, you guys. If anyone has any other ideas, I'm all ears.
I had a similar albeit smaller leak in my mk6 trunk and I couldn't find it for the longest time and eventually I figured out my seal around the hatch had a 3in long tear in it at the bottom. I know you said you checked the seal already but mine looked good too until I ran my fingers around it. The tear was along the bottom and not visible unless you pulled the rubber back... I guess I damaged it when loading/unloading heavy shit in the back
Anyway good luck